Growing up, the number of children who were completely sheltered by their parents was astonishing. Kids who didn't know how to function outside of the forced bubble of perfection their parents created, were more damaged than those exposed to the harsh realities of the world.
I'm not stupid. I'm not insisting that young children should be sat in front of the TV and given room to roam and peruse channels of pure filth. Nor am I insisting that we should fill their heads with all manner of evil just to give them a taste of the world.
I'm talking about a delicate, controlled balance. I'm talking about sheltering, not smothering.
I'm not stupid. I'm not insisting that young children should be sat in front of the TV and given room to roam and peruse channels of pure filth. Nor am I insisting that we should fill their heads with all manner of evil just to give them a taste of the world.
I'm talking about a delicate, controlled balance. I'm talking about sheltering, not smothering.
To me, a shelter is more like a lean-to. It protects on most sides from harsh winds while not hiding them away and pretending like they don't exist. A shelter is a safe haven where you can still witness the storm but not be sucked into it. And I think this is the approach we parents need to take when raising our children.
I came across a blog post today about sheltering your children. The writer goes on to talk about the importance of protecting her children from "anything that could affect [her] child's mind or heart in an evil way". She goes on to say that these things, things that aren't pleasing to the Lord are things that she keeps out of the home. Makes sense. I mean, I'm hardly going to bring drugs into my home, invite pedophiles over for tea and leave knives laying around the floor. It's common sense.
But too often I think a lot of Christians get on the sheltering bandwagon at the expense of their children. Yes, yes, yes, it's important that they know that XYZ are "bad" and displeasing to God. But does that mean that they should be hedged against them? I'm not talking about inviting them to play with knives or drugs, but I am talking about communicating with them why something is wrong.
When we teach our children about knives or the oven we use certain words. We say that things are hot or dangerous. We instruct them in how to use them mindfully or how not to use them at all. We don't barricade them from our homes. Our children grow up able to use knives and scissors and not scald themselves every time they take a shower because when they were children we taught them not to. We explained the power and the dangers of objects and taught them to use precaution.
Why wouldn't we take the same approach when it comes to the more difficult subjects of sex, drugs and killing? (Just to name a few of the thing most parents try to prevent their children from doing.) Simply saying "Sex before marriage is bad. God doesn't approve." Isn't safeguarding at all. It's enforcing a mantra that we just assume our children will adhere to by osmosis. Why? Because so many parents are afraid of having the difficult conversations. Like the Christian high school I graduated from, so many Christians think that if it's not spoken about, children won't be interested in it. How completely wrong and naieve!
Why do you think there are so many marriages (and subsequent divorces) of Christian kids before they even reach 21? Because it's been drilled into their heads that you have to be married to have sex. Suddenly, they're 18 and they're in love and they really really want to have sex but they've been scared into thinking God would kill them or never forgive them or the church would disown them or something completely irrelevant and untrue if they have sex. So they get married. Just to be sexually active. Then the divorce comes about six months to a year later. And there's a lot of head hanging and confusion and everyone asks why and can't figure out where they went wrong.
True sheltering explains to mature, of-age children the importance, benefits and purpose of sex. True sheltering compares and contrasts the idealized version of sex as it is displayed in the TV and on film with what sex truly is. True sheltering means you equip you children with enough information that they are able to make an informed decision about something.
Just like you trust them not to run with knives or leave them lying on the floor. Because you taught them this, because you explained the dangers, they aren't likely to do it. When parents gloss over and chock it up to "thus saith the Lord" children aren't always prone to heed their warnings. That's the difference in actual sheltering and the crazy bubble a lot of Christians place their children in.
When I went to college, I quickly became friends with a girl who was incorrectly sheltered growing up. She had no experiences of and no preparation for dealing with sex, drugs and people with different opinions and beliefs. Her childhood was all about a one-dimensional world view. Everything her family did aligned 120% with the Bible and anything that wasn't in the Bible wasn't allowed. Sex was a swear word in her house. If you mentioned the word homosexuality you would be asked to leave.
When she arrived at our college, a very progressive, liberal public university with a reputation for the highest number of gay students than any other state college in our state, she nearly crumbled. She couldn't handle it. Suddenly she was exposed to things she had only half-heard about and she had no filter, no system for processing them. She had her first kiss, her first boyfriend and her first heartbreak her first year of college. I cannot explain how awkward this was, to suddenly deal with someone who was emotionally around 13 or 14 years old. Who was dealing with the types of insecurities most people dealt with in high school, when they had the wisdom of their mothers to help them through.
For her, the smothering she received didn't do her any favors. She couldn't comprehend different ways of life. She was completely closed to anyone living their life in a way that wasn't how she was brought up. The transition was difficult. She made more enemies than she made friends because she failed to accept that people were entitled their own opinions and to live their life how they see fit.
True sheltering explains that there are differences. True sheltering shows all sides of the coins, not just the shiny, pro-God side. True sheltering prepares our children with arsenal of knowledge so that when they are affronted by the things we try to protect them from, they can address them logically, maturely and without fear. The type of sheltering that turns a blind eye to "bad things" does more damage than it does good and it's smothering at best and should be avoided.
I came across a blog post today about sheltering your children. The writer goes on to talk about the importance of protecting her children from "anything that could affect [her] child's mind or heart in an evil way". She goes on to say that these things, things that aren't pleasing to the Lord are things that she keeps out of the home. Makes sense. I mean, I'm hardly going to bring drugs into my home, invite pedophiles over for tea and leave knives laying around the floor. It's common sense.
But too often I think a lot of Christians get on the sheltering bandwagon at the expense of their children. Yes, yes, yes, it's important that they know that XYZ are "bad" and displeasing to God. But does that mean that they should be hedged against them? I'm not talking about inviting them to play with knives or drugs, but I am talking about communicating with them why something is wrong.
When we teach our children about knives or the oven we use certain words. We say that things are hot or dangerous. We instruct them in how to use them mindfully or how not to use them at all. We don't barricade them from our homes. Our children grow up able to use knives and scissors and not scald themselves every time they take a shower because when they were children we taught them not to. We explained the power and the dangers of objects and taught them to use precaution.
Why wouldn't we take the same approach when it comes to the more difficult subjects of sex, drugs and killing? (Just to name a few of the thing most parents try to prevent their children from doing.) Simply saying "Sex before marriage is bad. God doesn't approve." Isn't safeguarding at all. It's enforcing a mantra that we just assume our children will adhere to by osmosis. Why? Because so many parents are afraid of having the difficult conversations. Like the Christian high school I graduated from, so many Christians think that if it's not spoken about, children won't be interested in it. How completely wrong and naieve!
Why do you think there are so many marriages (and subsequent divorces) of Christian kids before they even reach 21? Because it's been drilled into their heads that you have to be married to have sex. Suddenly, they're 18 and they're in love and they really really want to have sex but they've been scared into thinking God would kill them or never forgive them or the church would disown them or something completely irrelevant and untrue if they have sex. So they get married. Just to be sexually active. Then the divorce comes about six months to a year later. And there's a lot of head hanging and confusion and everyone asks why and can't figure out where they went wrong.
True sheltering explains to mature, of-age children the importance, benefits and purpose of sex. True sheltering compares and contrasts the idealized version of sex as it is displayed in the TV and on film with what sex truly is. True sheltering means you equip you children with enough information that they are able to make an informed decision about something.
Just like you trust them not to run with knives or leave them lying on the floor. Because you taught them this, because you explained the dangers, they aren't likely to do it. When parents gloss over and chock it up to "thus saith the Lord" children aren't always prone to heed their warnings. That's the difference in actual sheltering and the crazy bubble a lot of Christians place their children in.
When I went to college, I quickly became friends with a girl who was incorrectly sheltered growing up. She had no experiences of and no preparation for dealing with sex, drugs and people with different opinions and beliefs. Her childhood was all about a one-dimensional world view. Everything her family did aligned 120% with the Bible and anything that wasn't in the Bible wasn't allowed. Sex was a swear word in her house. If you mentioned the word homosexuality you would be asked to leave.
When she arrived at our college, a very progressive, liberal public university with a reputation for the highest number of gay students than any other state college in our state, she nearly crumbled. She couldn't handle it. Suddenly she was exposed to things she had only half-heard about and she had no filter, no system for processing them. She had her first kiss, her first boyfriend and her first heartbreak her first year of college. I cannot explain how awkward this was, to suddenly deal with someone who was emotionally around 13 or 14 years old. Who was dealing with the types of insecurities most people dealt with in high school, when they had the wisdom of their mothers to help them through.
For her, the smothering she received didn't do her any favors. She couldn't comprehend different ways of life. She was completely closed to anyone living their life in a way that wasn't how she was brought up. The transition was difficult. She made more enemies than she made friends because she failed to accept that people were entitled their own opinions and to live their life how they see fit.
True sheltering explains that there are differences. True sheltering shows all sides of the coins, not just the shiny, pro-God side. True sheltering prepares our children with arsenal of knowledge so that when they are affronted by the things we try to protect them from, they can address them logically, maturely and without fear. The type of sheltering that turns a blind eye to "bad things" does more damage than it does good and it's smothering at best and should be avoided.